If you've ever wondered why you fell in love with your partner, you're definitely not alone. Racking your brain to try and figure out what made him stand out over all of the other fish in the sea, only to come up with nothing can be super frustrating. But what if we were to tell you that there is actually science behind why we fall so hard? In fact, you can blame it on your brain chemistry and pheromones! It’s mainly because of your love type that makes you seek a soulmate due to your chemical makeup. I’ll get to that shortly.
Dr. Helen Fisher, who is a research professor of anthropology, has studied human love for years. She’s made groundbreaking discoveries about who people are as lovers and the love they seek as a result. There are four love types that she discovered: the explorer, builder, director, and negotiator. Explorers are dominant in dopamine. Builders are dominant in serotonin. Directors are dominant in testosterone. And negotiators are dominant in estrogen. Based on our chemical makeup, it also shows in our personality characteristics, habits, and lifestyle preferences. To figure out which love type you are, take Dr. Helen Fisher’s test here.
Explorers
You know the type: Explorers crave adventure and are willing to take risks. Highly curious, creative, energetic, spontaneous, they have many interests—from hiking and spelunking to theater and reading.
Famous examples: John F. Kennedy, Princess Diana, Angelina Jolie.
Under the influence: The Explorer's behavior is largely affected by the brain chemical dopamine, which is a key player in our experience of pleasure and novelty. Longs for: A playmate.
Bonds well with: Other Explorers.
If you are an Explorer: My advice is to go slowly. Because you're so impulsive, you can get romantically involved too fast. And because you hate confrontation, you risk bolting from a relationship that could prove fantastic. If you find someone you are genuinely interested in, check your inclination to go out with others, and focus your energy on him or her.
If you're dating one: Be prepared to live this romance one day at a time. Remain flexible, and know that for your partner, "dullness is a misdemeanor," as novelist Ethel Wilson astutely put it.
Builder
You know the type: Typically conventional, these women and men are honorable and loyal; cautious without being afraid; calm; social; popular; and good at managing people, networking, and building family and community. Drawn to schedules and rules, they are also detail oriented, thorough, conscientious, and dependable.
Famous examples: George Washington, Colin Powell, Tiger Woods, Jennifer Aniston, Queen Elizabeth.
Under the influence: The defining neurochemical in Builders is serotonin, which modulates moods like aggression, anger, and calm.
Longs for: A helpmate.
Bonds well with: Other Builders.
If you are a Builder: Don't let your taste for plans and schedules get in the way of trying new things on a date???unless you are going out with another Builder. Brag a little (Builders can be too modest) and, despite your love of socializing with the gang, take some time to be alone with your romantic interest. Your tendency to be protective will be appreciated, but make sure you don't appear controlling.
If you're dating one: Remember that Builders like to be concrete and to revel in the details. They're attracted to others who are orderly and calm, so when you make plans, stick to them. According to my research, Builders are the most likely to seek a lifelong partner.
Director
You know the type: "One ought to hold on to one's heart; for if one lets it go, one soon loses control of the head, too." So wrote Nietzsche, and if you are a Director, you will relate. Directors are analytical and logical, straightforward, decisive, tough minded, focused, and good at rule-based and spatial skills like mechanics, math, and music. They also tend to be ambitious and competitive, as well as emotionally contained, even aloof. Yet these are the men and women who rush into a burning building to save a stranger.
Famous examples: Albert Einstein, Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, Margaret Thatcher.
Under the influence: Testosterone (we think of it as the male sex hormone, but women have it too) is especially active in shaping the Director's personality.
Longs for: A mind mate.
Bonds well with: Negotiators.
If you are a Director: You like to be in control and tend to date with determination, but if you can be patient and let things unfold naturally, it will help you avoid scaring off possible romance. And while you may regard expressing your emotions as a weakness, the other person is likely to take your restraint as a sign that you are cold, secretive, or uninterested. So share your feelings.
If you are dating one: Remember that he or she will respond best if you are logical, accurate, and clear. Don't criticize yourself (many Directors regard this as pathetic), and if you want to intrigue your partner, pursue topics of substance rather than small talk.
Negotiator
You know the type: Negotiators are imaginative, intuitive, empathetic, and emotionally expressive, and have good verbal and social skills. Most strikingly, these people see the big picture with all the options.
Famous examples: Bill Clinton, Gandhi, Carla Bruni-Sarkozy, Sex and the City's Carrie Bradshaw.
Under the influence: Estrogen (the so-called female sex hormone, though, again, it's found in both genders) plays an important role in the Negotiator's character.
Longs for: A soul mate.
Bonds well with: Directors (no wonder Hillary and Bill are still together).
If you are a Negotiator: Watch out for your inclination to be so diplomatic that you appear spineless. And avoid drowning your date in a verbal deluge. If you have met someone you like, don't overthink the situation, endlessly going over the pros and cons. Ultimately it's important for you not to settle for anything but a deeply meaningful, authentic relationship.
If you're dating one: Keep in mind that Negotiators aren't always direct, so read between the lines. Avoid being competitive with them. And don't hesitate to talk about yourself: These people love hearing about what you're thinking and feeling. Above all, they will fall for you if you stimulate their imagination.
Conclusion
These love types are more likely to be attracted to certain types of lovers over others. But the truth is that any love match can work. So long as the two members are mature enough and willing to cooperate with one another and work with each other’s differences. Although directors and negotiators are supposedly the ideal match, Dr. Helen Fisher actually interviewed multiple couples who were builders and negotiators. These two are not usually naturally drawn to one another. However, they ended up falling in love with each other. This could be because the negotiators are often attracted to the builders’ dependability and self-assurance. On the other hand, the builders appreciate the negotiators’ ability to bring fresh ideas to the partnership.
Despite the important research Dr. Helen Fisher conducted, we still know only a speck about love. It is still such an enigmatic concept that needs more scientific research and explanation. Because after all, people often end up falling in love with those whom they least expect. Ultimately, in relationships, it’s about constantly choosing your partner over and over again. And kindness. Speaking as a negotiator, I cannot stress enough the importance of being kind to the person you love. If you find yourself in a disagreement with your partner, pick up the phone or drive over to their place. Swallow your pride and apologize. Ask yourself: is this really worth losing someone over? The sad reality is that things are always fleeting. But the things you do have control over —please make those moments count.
Did you take the test? What love type did you get? Leave a comment below!
References:
Fisher, H. (2010). Why Him? Why Her? New York, NY: Henry Holt and Company.
Fisher, H. (2017). The Anatomy of Love. Retrieved June 15, 2017.
